Story Time: Why Am I Terrified Of Posting? And How I'm Over Coming It. (Ukulele Cover)

Here is a video of my cover of High School Musical: The Musical: The Series' I Think I Kinda You Know (Sung by Olivia Rodrigo and Joshua Bassett)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37fWdcBFH4E

This is my first time to ever post a video playing the ukulele (note: I have played it in open mics before, and played a few chords for a show promo, but never actively posted a video of me playing it onto my social media.)

Except For This

So here's the deal, here are the instruments that I could play (at least the basics to be able to jam with)

- Drums (Trained for 6 years)

- Guitar (Self-taught at 13 years old)

- Piano (Self-taught at 15 years old)

- Ukulele (Self-taught at 17 years old)

- Violin (Trained for 2 years)

As you can see, I am in no way an expert in any of these instruments, and I have an on and off relationship with all of them. Therefore, I wasn't confident with anything I did, because I wasn't able to advance my skills.

Another reason why I'm always hesitant with my uploads and social media posts, because of a little story of mine that is date back when I was 13 years old.

I was in my first year of secondary school, I just started learning violin, and I learned how to play "Row Row Row Your Boat". I decided to trust my gut and record it and post it on YouTube, I also posted it on Facebook for my friends to see.

But then the next day, I went to school, my classmate went up to me and just mocked me with the song. And at the time, I was really self-conscious, still am to be honest. I was so affected by that one guy's teasing, that I decided to take it down and deleted the video and its entirety. And every time I posted something on social media, I ponder on it for too long and end up deleting or had them made private.

Looking back at the memories, it's quite laughable. That guy who teased me, we grew a friendship, by teasing and mocking each other, I even had a crush on him at one point (I actually confessed my feelings to him and got rejected, but we stayed friends throughout my school years). That was our dynamic.

But why did that memory hit so hard? I keep asking myself. Why do I still have a fear of posting?

Because I always wonder, what if he was someone else? Or that it would manifest into something worse?

I always had the terrible thought that everyone hated what I do, that I have no contribution to anything, or that I made things worse. I keep having the idea that my opinion or ideas are stupid and not helpful at all. And it honestly didn't help when you're a teenager and everyone judges your every move.

I closed myself off a lot, stopped speaking out, because I knew that if I said something, there would eventually be someone to shut you up.

My best friend became my notebook, where I wrote stories. I never really share them with my peers, I just posted them to Wattpad, my highest record was 50k reads. But because of my shame in what I create, I deleted them.

I kept everything to myself.

It wasn't until I discovered musical theatre, taking the leap of faith, and auditioning for local musicals. And I was welcomed with open arms. I met a lot of my current friends from theatre, being blessed with endless positivity and love.

That was when I started posting and sharing more. I have been told that photos and videos of me being on stage was the happiest they have seen of me.

So I posted a lot of videos of me being in front of an audience. Open Mics, Musicals, Plays etc.

But on--camera work, not my best. Especially if I'm one-on-one with the camera.

I took around 20 to 50 takes of each of the song covers I do, because I nit-pick a lot and I imagine every single comment and dislike someone would make on my imperfections.

This is the thought process I have when I watch the video above:

- My face is so oily

- My eyebrows are almost non-existent

- The spots and acne on my cheeks

- I regret having my hair cut short at this moment

- My nose is so blocked

- I am unable to play and sing without reading the lyrics

- My eyes look dead

- I have almost no emotions

- I look fake

- I am off-key/pitch countless of times

- My voice is not remarkable or unique

- Will this get copyrighted?

- This will probably get my channel locked

- My ukulele skills suck

- I suck

- Why do I think I have a shot in performing?

- What if this is a reflection of my singing career?

- What if all those voice lessons were washed down the drain?

I'm terrified of myself. And that I will never make it.

But there is always a small voice of hope, a small leap of faith in my gut. Saying that I can pull-through.

It also says that this is a stepping stone, a work in progress. That brings me to today, I'm definitely still afraid and terrified, but I'm willing to take that leap of faith, letting it guide me.

So I would like to give you a question: What have you been holding back on doing?

Feel free to comment or message me!

Until Next Time,

Til We Meet Again, Fellow Hoomans!